Humor: Mir space station

[pll at lanminds.com]

News Release 21 July, 1997

KOROLYOV, RUSSIA--U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly excited
about the Mir space station project, which promises to  reveal more
than has ever been known about the scientific relationship between
weightlessness and mortal terror.

"By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space station with faulty
wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems," NASA head
Daniel Goldin said, "we have created extremely favourable conditions
for learning about spaceborne panic."

The two Russians and one American on board the station are reportedly
terrified beyond lucidity.  Among the groundbreaking experiments
conducted on board Mir: a June 25 collision with a cargo craft that
depressurized the Spektr module; last week's emergency power shortage,
caused by a disconnected cable; and the periodic release of "dry ice"
steam that simulates a shipboard fire. All have been deemed a huge
success by agency heads.

"They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term
'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives,"Russian
mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used the
hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the window yet."

"We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the patterns
created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of  space,"
Solovyov said."The urine spreads out in an expanding sphere,  something
we did not expect."

Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale told ABC
News reporters: "Where is Mommy?"

"Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule,"  Russian
cosmonaut Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to the
chaotic government and widespread hunger of my homeland."

Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an experiment at
3 a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling red siren lights
will flood the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm jolts them awake.
Detailed scientific data will then be collected on such variables as
open weeping, defecation and hair loss.